I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
My ass is underappreciated
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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