I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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