Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
