Screwed.edu
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
You ruined the universe
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
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