I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
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