Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
