I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Randomize
