I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize