Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Randomize
