I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
