they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
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