I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
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