I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
