Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
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