he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
