"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize