I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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