does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
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