Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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