She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I need to calm my uterus...
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize