im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
You did what with his pubic hair?
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