it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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