DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Randomize
