Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
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