You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
