my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
