i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
