We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Randomize
