chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Randomize