is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
Randomize
