It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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