She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
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