Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Randomize
