The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
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