if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
