I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
