i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
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