I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
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