dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
