if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize