ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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