i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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