just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Randomize
