I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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