Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Randomize
