i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
