i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize
