His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
please don't ironically join a cult
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