i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
I showed him my bush... on skype.
He passed out mid-signature
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
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