The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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