this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Randomize
