my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
