Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Randomize
