Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize
