Apparently you make a good broom.
you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
