I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
