That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Randomize
