I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
