My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
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