so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
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