just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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