Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
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