Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
