It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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