hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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