This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Randomize
