youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
