Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Sex in the backyard? Check.
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