The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
