You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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