If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
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